Growing up, I was always the kid with the PB & J on wheat bread and I hated it! I always wanted white bread, normal food, and school lunches instead of packed lunches. But my parents refused.
I never had a problem with weight. I was always skinny and tall..I ate perogies all the time without a care in the world, and bagels were a main staple in my breakfast with lots of cream cheese or butter. We never ate fast food in my family..NEVER. Desert was a special occasion which my dad relished, and loved to spoil us with a big bowl of Ben & Jerry's Ice cream.
As I entered high school, I still did not care. My best friend and I would sit on AIM (remember that?) and chat to our friends while stuffing ourselves with perogies.
But there were some pivotal moments that seem to have effected me and my eating style/habits.
I was invited to the prom my junior year by my best guy friend..
I was trying on my dress for my mom and my "adopted grandmother".
They both exclaimed how beautiful I looked, and then my mom said, "But you would just look better if you lost a little weight. The dress would fit so much better."
I can vividly remember standing in front of my mirror.. feeling so ashamed. I wasn't fat, and I was active in sports, but I began to be more critical of myself.
My junior year my boyfriend (and now current boyfriend again!) was very active and always went to the gym. I became a member of the same gym..and after field hockey season was over, we would drive to the gym together after school. I began to look and feel a lot better about myself. I slowly became addicted to working out.
Lets fast forward to college...
My boyfriend and I broke up due to the long distance we would be apart, and what we decided would be a necessary break...I was still heart broken.
I traveled the 3 hours to school, not in a sport, meeting new people, not having healthy foods..and I suffered. I gained weight.. A lot of weight. Enough weight to take me from the normal range of weight to the overweight. I mean we are not talking freshman 15.. but more like freshman 25! I was miserable.
I came home and my parents made me go to the doctor and see a nutritionist as well.
I stopped drinking alcohol that summer (a staple at college), and began to run every morning, and go to the gym. I also became hyper aware of my portions. By the end of the summer I had lost a noticable amount of weight.
I continued to stay active with running/gym and I was now on the field hockey team. I also met a new guy and was feeling very optimistic about myself and my life.
During the spring semester, one of my roommates went away to study abroad. Another roommate became very strict with her eating habits.. only eating cereal, veggies...and occasionally other foods when we made it for everyone. I noticed her weight loss. I was a little jealous. I began to do the same things, some nights only eating rice, or spinach with pesto. This continued over the summer when I lived on my own. I became VERY strict with eating. I liked living on my own because I had no one to judge me. I worked a full time job and took a summer class. Each morning I would get up and run and on nights that I did not have class I would come home and go to the gym. I lost all the weight plus more during this time.
During the next year I turned 21, reconnected with my old boyfriend and went to Australia to study abroad.
Australia was another tipping point for me. I was studying with other juniors and sophomores but the lifestyle was very much like freshman year again. I met one of my best friends and decided to become a vegetarian (I never ate read meat regularly before hand so it wasnt too hard, and I just ate fish)
I still gained weight but was able to loose it a lot easier with my knowledge on exercise and eating. During the summer, I did begin to engage in some binge purge behaviors.. I also took some laxatives. I managed to hide it from my family. I continued to enter my senior year of school engaging in some purging..and continued to hide it from my roommates.. I think I did at least.
I actually went to a therapist at school who suggested I do some outpatient therapy. She did diagnose me with EdNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I never followed through..
This continued on a bit after college.. Again I saw another therapist but due to crappy insurance.. I never continued.
At some point.. I don't remember what sparked it but I decided to tell Jason and my mom at seperate points. My mom constantly is worried about me (though it has lessen...) and Jason as well. He thinks that I am too skinny and need to eat more!
I am proud to say that I have stopped purging.. which is great except I still engage in some binging.
Its a struggle. I know that I do it when I am bored.. when no one else is around..and I run like crazy to try to make up for it..
I am continuing to try to become a healthier person mentally and physically. Hopefully this will just be another hurdle that I have to cross.
|walnuts, bananas, blueberries and yogurt! :)|
|chocolate covered strawberries...heavenly|
|oats, banana, pineapple|
|chocolate chip protein cookies|
|blueberry, banana muffins.. there were not so successful.. but they looked pretty.|
|cranberry almond bar.!|
|Spinach salad with roasted sweet potato & eggplant, along with tomatoes and crumbled goat cheese!! one of my favorites!|